Being Sick Sucks – Ruminations of a Feverhead

I’m free, I think. I shut my eyes and think hard and deep about how free I am, but I can’t really understand what it means. All I know is I’m totally alone. All alone in an unfamiliar place, like some solitary explorer who’s lost his compass and his map. Is this what it means to be free? I don’t know, and I give up thinking about it.

Kafka on the Shore, Haruki Murakami

Fighting fever and my own melancholy

After a normal day of work yesterday I noticed that something was odd. After thinking about it for a while, I realized that it’s a rising fever I’m feeling. Joints and head aching, feeling a bit off and clumsy somehow. Judging by the delirious dreams last night I think the fever got pretty high (I don’t own a thermometer). I don’t know what’s causing it since I don’t have any respiratory symptoms. My stomach did feel a little weird yesterday, but that disappeared too. The fever still hasn’t, but it’s gotten much lower though.

I hate being sick generally and when I get sick while traveling alone it’s even worse. It’s not that I feel unable to get help or anything. I have neighbors willing to help me out and the healthcare here is quite ok and easy to get access to if needed. But it does make me feel somehow helpless and alone.

The quotation I started this post with is from the book I’m reading at the moment. It’s something that describes the things going through my head right now. It’s not desperation and it’s not something that makes me think about going home. I still think that this kind of living will most likely be part of my life in the future.

Good surf and nice days going to waste

What brings me down even more is seeing people walking to the beach with their boards and not being able to join them. Yesterday was still crazy windy and the surf was bad, but today seems to be better. And I’m stuck in bed… My neighbor has gone out twice with his board today already.

I took a day off from work today and might do the same tomorrow too. I’m not very good at doing nothing and not even having work to make the time pass makes it even tougher to cope. Besides, I really like my job.

Disclaimer – I’m really not dying here

Please don’t worry too much about me after reading this overly dramatic post. I’m not feeling that bad. I just needed to vent my frustration and get these nasty thoughts out of my head. Sometimes it helps and I thought I’d give it a try.

There is something in the quotation I started the post with that’s not just my melancholy talking. I’ve felt that way sometimes even before the fever. And I’ve talked with and read about other people having the same thoughts. I realize that I need to connect with people a little bit more than just saying hi and changing occasional surf tips. In order to make this lifestyle work, I’ll need to learn this at some point. I know I will eventually, but I’d just rather learn it soon.